Interlude – Bitter Lemon (Where’s The Gin?)

I’m thinking about the people who say they’ll be there. The ones who promise shit. The ones who you just start to believe and then they fuckadoodledally off with themselves.

Why do I keep driving people away?

I’m feeling very sour tonight. Mentally and emotionally churned over.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could “Block User” on your internal settings tab? An individual, even a topic, is pissing you off so you can just erase history and prevent future contact. In one mental click, they are gone from your consciousness.

I was seriously tempted to cut earlier or even just gouge out the turkey spinach seeded bap I had for supper. That would have been gross. I had a fit of screaming and slamming and swearing and sweats: all the hissy “S” dramas.

I let myself down today. Maybe, with hindsight, I’ve been slipping into this for a few days. I’m avoiding Pieta. Never a good sign. I’m craving darkness and solitude and physical release but I’m so desperate for someone to put their arms around me and pull out the tears and the put an ice pack on my racing heart to numb it. There’s another internal system that could be a future feature of medical technology: reach in and pull out tears, toxins, infections: ExtractaPain. Roboticise humanity, how I’d love someone to switch off my brittle and inadequate humanity.

I’m afraid to go asleep because of the nightmares: kidnapping; car crashing, torture; penetration; arrest; violence; confined dingy subways; ridicule – my subconscious is in overdrive in its oppression and fear themes, the one strand linking them all is powerlessness.

Sweet fucking dreams indeed.

DR 💋

13 comments

  1. Feminine and Feline · December 18, 2014

    How do you deal with all these feelings?

    Like

    • dottyrocker · December 18, 2014

      I dont, not very well! And definitely not on bad days like today. Keep talking, writing helps. Throw stuff. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. therabbitholez · December 18, 2014

    I know the feeling very well, it’s so grim especially when people let you down, your not driving them away, they are unreliable and feckless and have the emotional intelligence of an ant.

    You didn’t cut today, so that’s a positive:) but throwing things is ok:)

    Take care

    Liked by 1 person

    • dottyrocker · December 18, 2014

      Thank you! Yes that is a positive!

      How are you doing?

      Liked by 1 person

      • therabbitholez · December 18, 2014

        Doing okay, sometimes it’s about all I can manage:)

        Like

      • dottyrocker · December 18, 2014

        Ok is better than a screaming mess i guess!

        Like

      • therabbitholez · December 18, 2014

        I would scream but I’d wake the neighbours..:D

        Like

      • dottyrocker · December 18, 2014

        We depressives need a scream cancelling device!

        Liked by 1 person

      • therabbitholez · December 18, 2014

        We do,but then your left with silent screams, better out than in as the saying goes.

        Like

  3. Rosie · December 18, 2014

    Ah good old borderline. In a particularly long lasting episode myself. Zero interest in festive fun and my relationship just ended. Barrel of fun!

    Liked by 1 person

    • dottyrocker · December 18, 2014

      Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that. What a rubbish time of year for a break up. It’s hard to get interested in Christmas this year. At least you save on his/her gift?!

      Like

      • Rosie · December 18, 2014

        Bought! But the refund will come in nice and handy 🙂

        Like

      • dottyrocker · December 18, 2014

        Use it to pay for a match.com subscription!

        Like

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