I’m thinking about the people who say they’ll be there. The ones who promise shit. The ones who you just start to believe and then they fuckadoodledally off with themselves.
Why do I keep driving people away?
I’m feeling very sour tonight. Mentally and emotionally churned over.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could “Block User” on your internal settings tab? An individual, even a topic, is pissing you off so you can just erase history and prevent future contact. In one mental click, they are gone from your consciousness.
I was seriously tempted to cut earlier or even just gouge out the turkey spinach seeded bap I had for supper. That would have been gross. I had a fit of screaming and slamming and swearing and sweats: all the hissy “S” dramas.
I let myself down today. Maybe, with hindsight, I’ve been slipping into this for a few days. I’m avoiding Pieta. Never a good sign. I’m craving darkness and solitude and physical release but I’m so desperate for someone to put their arms around me and pull out the tears and the put an ice pack on my racing heart to numb it. There’s another internal system that could be a future feature of medical technology: reach in and pull out tears, toxins, infections: ExtractaPain. Roboticise humanity, how I’d love someone to switch off my brittle and inadequate humanity.
I’m afraid to go asleep because of the nightmares: kidnapping; car crashing, torture; penetration; arrest; violence; confined dingy subways; ridicule – my subconscious is in overdrive in its oppression and fear themes, the one strand linking them all is powerlessness.
Sweet fucking dreams indeed.