Episode 2- 59 – Panic Attack Day, Phase 3

Still here.

Disgusted with myself.

How could I let that happen? How could I be so weak?

I had to go to the Post Office to collect the Children’s Allowance and I wanted the street to develop one of those giant sinkholes to swallow up my repulsiveness. The photo attached is the crack in the floor of Tate Modern in London. I have a photo of this that I took myself somewhere but I’m not really up to trawling through my digital life to find it. Imagine making art out of a crack? Well I guess I’m trying to make something out of the crack in my mind, even if it’s not very artistic. Every person who walked by felt like my accusatory nemesis: a cloaked judge deeming me unfit to share the same pavement. That old apologetic feeling of not being a viable human was/is back.

My body is going into spasm. Mini nerve earthquake aftershocks like you get when when you’re so nervous you can’t control your body. I’m getting a migraine and I want to throw up. Maybe I’ll lose a pound or two if nothing else.

I’m trying to just be today. That’s all I can manage.

I need a shower. But I couldn’t be arsed. If I can just make it through to tomorrow morning maybe a new morning will bring some sort of resolve to at least wash myself.

Sorry for the annoying updates. Feel free to mute notifications!

Dotty 💋

6 comments

  1. therabbitholez · January 6, 2015

    Sinkhole is a good analogy, however your not weak, nor did you allow this to happen, the positive is that your working through it, that counts for a lot. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • dottyrocker · January 6, 2015

      The guilt is crippling!

      Liked by 1 person

      • therabbitholez · January 6, 2015

        I understand, it also knocks your confidence, but you have nothing to feel guilty about, mental health has taken you hostage, and it will take time to kick it out!

        Liked by 1 person

      • dottyrocker · January 6, 2015

        You are very wise!

        Like

      • therabbitholez · January 6, 2015

        Not really, just know where your coming from..

        Like

      • therabbitholez · January 6, 2015

        I forgot go to my new year blog I’ve nominated you for an award 🙂

        Like

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