Well I have no fucking idea where that came from.
Thank you and I’m sorry to all of you,strangers and friends, who sent messages of support, offers of cash and lifts! It wasn’t my intention to be a drama queen.
I have a headache, my eyes are sensitive to light and my body feels drained and shaky. I slept for a bit after the panic subsided. I curled up on my bed, pillow over my head and took the deep breaths. I didn’t SaltScrub during this sleep either which is strange because the last few nights, I have been saltslime skinned every hour.
Yesterday was a good day. I struggled a bit mid morning but dragged myself out of it. It’s Tuesday, January 6th by the way. The sunlight is filtering through my lace bedroom curtains so lying here it could be May; the winter sun is warning up my little bednest to comfortable – no need for the heat on.
I feel like I need to wretch, not a full puke, but there’s a spasm somewhere in my gut and its tracing it’s way up my throat.
I also feel weak. I feel like I’m getting the flu. My whole body aches; sore sticky bones. I don’t remember feeling like this before, I’ve probably just blocked it out.
I was doing dinner and baking buns last night (that’s how high functioning, for me, a day it was) when I suddenly realised I didn’t feel so good. My temperature thermostat just doesn’t seem to work. I had been out for approximately ten minutes yesterday in a not freezing climate when I noticed my feet were both painful and numb. How does that happen? If something’s numb you’re not meant to feel it, right? As I stood in the kitchen I felt like I was going to pass out with heat from the oven but my toes started to pinch like I’d stood on drawing pins. It’s like the core of my body is overheating yet the bits stick onto the core are heat depleted. In addition, I felt that ache throughout my back and legs; that heavy creeping that you feel when you’re fluey. But I don’t think I’m physically infected with any virus. So what is it?
Is this my mind’s torment manifesting itself in physical format?
My nightmares are unbearable. So vivid and so close to the emotional state of my waking hours. I don’t feel like I’m getting a break.
I had started a long post all about misogyny the other day but that will have to wait.
I’m so cross with myself for this morning. For having to lie down at seven last night; not waking up till nine thirty; going back to bed at ten thirty; for crying when I was woken my my bodily secretions again; for cutting this morning. I couldn’t not do it. I had nothing else to focus on. I tried hysterically mopping and tidying, but I couldn’t stand up. In the end, my huge thighs convinced me they were disgusting enough to warrant the pain and it felt good, it was momentary release and it centralised the pin end of the spinning top whirlwind so that I could just reach up and grab its feathered tail and stamp it into its storage box at the epicentre of my mind fault.
There’s a ton of things I need to do today. But somehow I think priority number one will be getting through it in one piece.