Interlude – I’ve Never Seen Love/Hate

Of course I’m awake.

I slept most of the day.

Also, I’m terrified of two things.

One, I started watching The Fall. I had no idea what it was really about: well I knew Jamie Dornan was a murderer of some sort but I had no idea he was a rapist breaking into the homes of women in their thirties in the middle of the night. So I feel super secure here now. I wanted to watch Broadchurch but I couldn’t find Season One online. Why didn’t I just go with QI or something as inoffensive?

There’s something very unnerving about the show, The Fall, not QI. Jamie Dornan (who looks way better with a beard, doesn’t everyman?) is handsome, incredibly charismatic and intensely sexy in it so it’s impossible not to be attracted to him. But his character Paul is sneaking around carrying out violent sexual assaults and murders while his wife thinks he is out on the night shift as a volunteer for a helpline. He’s a therapist. This is fucking my head up. The show is sexy in its intensity; even the way it’s shot is moody and erotic in suspense. But he’s a rapist. And a murderer.

And it’s fucking with my head.

Should they have cast a less attractive man to play the part? To do so would surely be stereotyping. Rapists aren’t usually portrayed fictionally as good looking men are they? Are they more often middle aged, balding, overweight? Greasy? I don’t know why I think that. Mine was none of those things. I don’t have hard evidence for my assumption, but then assumptions don’t often have evidence: that’s why they’re assumptions.

I think I feel guilty that I watched it; that I still fancied JD despite the nature of the character. I’m clearly having trouble distinguishing between reality and fiction again – is this a return of some form of psychosis?! I feel like I shouldn’t watch more but yet I want to, or part of me does. Another section of my memory is sickened by it. And more so, churned by my own intrigue.

Coming in ahead of my post-The Fall turmoil is my fear of sleeping. It almost seems less hazardous to stay awake and be exhausted tomorrow just to avoid the nightmares and SaltScrubs. I have two spare pairs of pyjamas and baby powder beside my bed for when I wake up saturated. I have towels to lay out on my damp sheets and an extra blanket for the ShiveryShakes.

I want to sleep but I’m petrified of it, not unlike my desire for/fear of Jamie Rapist.

It’s a real Love/Hate thing.

Dot, red eyed. 💋


  1. stories of the a.m. · January 7, 2015

    The reality of this is so many damaged women fall for men in prison. That bad boy. Sadly many men who rape are physically attractive. It is designed to change you way of thinking. To question your own scandelous thought. Some people fantasize about rape where others are paranoid ans scared to death of it. It is very twisted.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. stories of the a.m. · January 7, 2015

    I too am a victim. It makes you question what sick and twisted person could be a victim and still find some sort of excitement from these situations. The reality is that it isnt sick or twisted at all and that our minds are trying to find a coping meconism. Rayher than being fearful it makes us somehow accepting. When I finally faced my abuser the public decided that because he was an attractive educated man it was unlikely that he could so auch a thing. It wasnt about the sex it was about the control. Very hard to understand…ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • dottyrocker · January 7, 2015

      Wow. You are so brave to di that. Hats off! It us weird – but I think the show glamorises it a bit? Maybe it’s the connection with Fifty Shades? Thanks for sharing with me!


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