Interlude – Trigger Warning

One last post today – who knows what tonight will bring – which will do something to explain myself today. Before I got out of bed, I read this. ElsaDaughter was asleep beside me, as is her habit to come in for a half hour snuggle in the morning. I need to ban technology from the bedroom, I might sleep instead of read or write.

So at six am I was forced to confront this:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/coming-out-to-self-as-survivor/

It didn’t have a trigger warning. I don’t know what to make of those.

As I read, I couldn’t hold back scorching tears and putrid bile. How is it possible that nobody has told me I would feel like this and it’s ok to have these irrational doubts and fears? I’m so angry that other women (and men) have gone through the same questions in their minds in some sort of PTSD sequence, not knowing, like me, it was to be expected:

Did it really happen?
Did I imagine it?
Did I, God forbid, make it up?
Does he know what he did?
Does he remember it?
Does he even remember me?
Nobody would believe me.
It would cause so much drama.
It would be my fault again.
It was my fault in the first place.

I can’t use the word either. A handful of times I’ve called it what is was.

The Thing That Happened.
Passive. Depersonalising. Detaching.

I try to demean it so that I’m not offending women who went through a more violent experience.

Even now, as I write, I think I have no right.

I just want to throw this article out there with my initial reaction in the mix. I’m afraid to re-read it properly. It was a shipping container full of wet grass, dirty knickers and broad shoulders hitting me in the gut this morning.

Why has nobody told me this?

Why did I doubt myself?

I wish I could remember it all. The missing section is gone. The main, the worst section. There’s a sensation of sharp cold slime but nothing tangible for me to rage against.

I thought I was over the worst but part of me thinks the main root is only coming to the surface now.

Why now, after seventeen years? Why now?

4 comments

  1. therabbitholez · January 10, 2015

    I can’t even begin to imagine what you experienced, after reading the article and your words here, it makes me so angry that as a woman you still have to defend your human right not to have this thing happen to you, and so many women for years or forever hold themselves responsible for this abhorrent act.

    Women pay the price heavily for this, and obviously leads to difficulties with relationships thereafter and takes away your power as a human being.

    Have you discussed this with your therapist.

    I admire your strength for writing and sharing your experience here.

    Huge hugs to you. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • dottyrocker · January 10, 2015

      You are a gem. I’ve discussed the event but not in enough detail. After my sessions with Pieta I’m meant to be referred to RC counselling which sounds ridiculous so long after but I’ve never had any. This article made so much sense to me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • therabbitholez · January 10, 2015

        Good, doesn’t matter how long ago it was, the counselling will hopefully give you a measure of peace.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. stories of the a.m. · January 10, 2015

    Talking about it does help. It has taken me 25 years to talk about my experience. Stay strong. It gets better.

    Liked by 1 person

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