Episode 2-62 – Turn Me On/Turn Me Off

Well, here I am, still trying to fend off the darkness.

My “Day of Light” worked. Yesterday was an excellent day. Oh, how joyous to feel human and real, not an alien shell skulking – I like the word “skulking” – around in a …

Just came across a BBC 4 documentary on Queen Victoria’s Letters. Back soon, I’m that much of a geek this is like brain porn for me.

Snap.

Snap the band.

Always have a hair tie on my wrist to snap when I want to cut. Now is one of those whens.

Poison ivy. Ruin everything. Relapse queen. Pathetic. Damaged goods. Twisted. Dangerous.

Why am I not better? Why have I not got my shit together?

How am I still utterly useless and destructive, in itself an oxymoron: uselessly destructive.

I thought I was great because I ran 1/4 mile sprintervals tonight during my walk but in reality I didn’t achieve anything this week or make any progress. I regressed. I hate not getting things done; I hate not being productive.

This week I pissed people off and let people down.

And tomorrow brings another fucking morning; another fucking Monday; another week of getting through the days.

The highs of yesterday aren’t worth the immediate downpour of soot that lows like tonight carry on their sudden and quick ill wind.

I wish I came with an off switch.

One comment

  1. Karen Van Benschoten · January 15, 2015

    I’ve heard about the band snapping on the wrist – never tried it myself. They keep telling me I am better, but I don’t feel ‘better’. I’m a little different. One they call “Borderline Personality Disorder”, the second, “Schizzo-affective Disorder”. A couple of “disorders” yet, after all these years, I don’t feel better… I can so understand..

    Like

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