Fuck it. Can’t believe I’m on a downer again. Sitting in the car at Sandymount after having the dogs out. One sock off trying to dry it due to a burst welly. My nose is running and I could fall asleep right now were it not for the cold rage.
This morning I am filled with powerless anger.
Last night was fine until I tried to fall asleep. I have to sleep with a pillow over my head. Don’t ask me why. I like being hidden in complete darkness.
Just at the point when I almost dropped off I felt the most indescribable pressure pinning me down.
Shoulders, arms, black.
The shape of a head.
The outline of a face.
I thought I screamed, high pitch, piercing.
I couldn’t remember where I was, who was in the other room. My mother? No. Who?
Somebody come in.
Somebody, please. Hurry.
I must have woken someone; someone must have heard me. Nobody.
Did I scream? Did the sound come out? I didn’t know.
My heart was pounding like the waves I’m looking at now. But I was nearly asleep even when I half woke from the terror.
I drifted off again. Just a dream.
It happened again. But this time I couldn’t scream. Just blackness. I couldn’t open my eyes. They were sealed shut.
It, he, was there.
A dream. It’s ok. You’re overtired.
Third time. Same thing. But I couldn’t get the pillow from over my head. I couldn’t move my arms to get it out of the way. I was drowning in blackness. I was gasping. I couldn’t breathe. Everything was black and silent.
I was dying in a void.
I wanted so desperately to wake myself up. Sit up. Have a glass of water. Turn on the light. Nothing there.
I was caught – falling with the weight of a shadow pushing me into nothing.