Gratitude Lists are a fucking massive waste of time. Today was shite. Ultra shite. Über shite.
Saltscrub pyjamas greeted me when I woke up for the second time today. I was up early and made Elsadaughter breakfast and her lunch for school; tidied up; washed up the dishes; tried to be mindful of the tasks on my To Do list blah blah blah but the BlackPit was stirring and I couldn’t fight the rotten ivy growing out of it and choking my Tuesday.
I didn’t want to go out. Never mind that I didn’t even want light, sound: nothing from the living world. Quite safe here in BlueZombieLand, thanks all the same. I fucking caved into myself and wasted the day.
Well, most of it.
I could have slept all day. Or stared into nothing. Eventually, I managed to get dressed and take the dogs out. The seal was broken. I managed a run. An angry run. My legs weren’t heavy and I had fury to sweat out. It was a faster run than most of late, although I haven’t run since pre-FaintPuke incident. I really sweated, I needed that.
There was a card in the post from my American Mom, that helped.
Showered and dressed and off to get the Children’s Allowance. Thank god for it. Yesterday in Lidl I had to ask the cashier to take three items off the bill, I was about two euro fifty short. I could feel my face set fire to itself as a well dressed woman in her forties in the queue behind us side-eyed me; I swear I could feel her judgment scrape my eyeballs. I felt like launching into a detailed description of the stuffed peppers, banana bread, mozzarella salad, roast chicken, smoothies and stir fry on the menu this week Chez Dotty for the total of fifty four euro – one carton of juice and a slab of margarine we could live without. I’m doing my best bitch. Today, I was able to go back for the juice so, triumphantly, I threw in a bag of pistachios for myself. Pity Professional SideEye wasn’t there for that.
I did out a budget for this week and next. Shit. Our TV and broadband has been cut off. I thought I’d paid last month, turns out it bounced back with a hefty referral charge. The phones are about to be disconnected too. But rent and car tax take priority and we’ve plenty of books.
My To Do list seems impenetrable. A bit like the undergrowth of despair currently suffocating the bulbs of hope buried deep in the dirt of my consciousness.
I made the stuffed peppers; Elsadaughter didn’t care for my cous cous. I enjoyed it all. Parenting fail. The banana bread is a hit but then it has sugar and vanilla in it so of course it is.
The dogs are fed, watered, weed and pooped. The laundry is done and put away.
I’m grateful for that much, I guess.