Episode 118 – Seeing Green (And Red)

I’m having a bad night. Not “bad” as in I’m going to hurt myself, I won’t deny that the temptation is there to slip a shallow slice into a particularly grotesque part of my body but I have enough self control not to. I promise. The rational part of my brain is externalised and looks down on the jumble of worries and disgust that forms the damaged and unstable face of my mind. Rational Dotty thinks Unstable Dotty is a squandering of evolutionary matter.

The next two days are busy days – I have a lot to sort out including money, as per fucking usual, and I’m determined to sort it out myself this time without taking yet another handout from my family. I don’t know how exactly but it’s MY problem to fix.

There are a thousand to dos zipping in front of my eyes and, to be honest, writing isn’t helping like I thought it would.

Apart from travelling home today from London (which is not exactly an unpleasant thing but was still tiring), I had a shitty letter waiting for me when I got back; a work related email that has sent me into panic mode and then Ceelo Green was on Jools Holland (BBC) and for some reason other than gender loyalty, I felt very aggrieved, angry, sick and teary about his inclusion in a show I respect by a broadcaster I love.

I desperately want to get up early tomorrow and eat well; be organised; not have a headache; not be covered in sore spots; not feel like an elephant on a gastric bypass waiting list and have the energy to sort shit out, by myself, and not whinge about it.

I am so overcome with self loathing and guilt for being so selfishly unappreciative of what I have that I am compelled to cover my head and let the world forget about me, the self-pitying waste of a body that I am. (Please do not send me  complimentary messages – as well intended as they are, they just make me feel more guilty and worried that everyone thinks I’m attention seeker.) Why am I such a bloody entitled narcissist? No matter how much I try to remember those less fortunate than me I still feel sorry for myself.

But like Grandad said, everything passes. Even the bad stuff. And I need to do a quick job of getting over myself.

Dotty 💚

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