I’m really tired so this will be short. The plan is to be asleep by midnight. I downloaded a new app called Way of Life (it was recommended by one of the articles on mental health posted on Dotty’s Facebook Page last week) and I’m finding it helpful for breaking bad habits, and keeping up good ones, in an attempt to get things under control. I’m currently working on, as priorities, not taking Solpadeine (that stuff ends up giving you a headache); cutting out sweets (I am a heifer at the moment – I have never been this heavy) and trying to make time to read, learn and/or explore new things and ideas. After tomorrow, fitness will be joining the top three, all of which are supported by small things like flossing my teeth twice a day; getting to sleep by midnight; not stressing out and getting up early.
I’ve just remembered there is clean laundry on my bed that needs to be put away before I can actually get into bed. Bollox.
Today was pretty shit but the worst thing about it all is the Goddess of Guilt beating me with a stick specially reserved for the particularly self involved. I don’t have a tenth of the hardship that many people have and yet I am struck down (probably a bit dramatic: I am still, for the moment, functioning in everyday life) by the BlackPits that I thought I had managed to fill in with shovels full of Gratitude Seeds. I really fucking hate myself and no matter how many therapists tell me that, I still think it’s entirely justified.
I’m booked into a teacher training day (Inservice if you’re Irish) tomorrow. Even though I’m not currently teaching my deputy principal was kind enough to let me know about it and offer me a place on the course. I am dreading the usual questions: where are you from? What school are you in? Eh, well, funny you should ask that… And worse, if there is a teacher there from my school. Awkward. And participating in group activities, and lunch. With other people. I really wish I hadn’t forced myself into accepting the offer. I could’ve gone at a later date but I didn’t want to give myself time to chicken out. Now I wish I could flake. I bet that thought will definitely help me sleep before midnight.
A lot of followers sent words of encouragement today and identified with my Facebook post, so thank you and I wish I could help all of you who are suffering and tormented. I was resistant to my mother’s efforts to talk and help today but I just didn’t want to cause more fuss.
To quote The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: everything will be alright in the end and if it’s not alright, well then it’s not yet the end.
Or something like that.