Episode 121 – The Expungeable

If you’re squeamish or easily offended by periods, don’t read this. Or any of my posts for that matter.

So, I thought about joining in the Tweet the Taoiseach today seeing as I woke up in a little squidgy puddle of my uterine wall. I didn’t tweet him in the end because I was too pissed off to acknowledge his smug existence and I got distracted by a fig roll. I think when I’m feeling wittier tomorrow – Day 1 of my period tends to be something of a series of grunts, near blackouts and deep breathing through pseudo-contractions which are obviously my reproductive organs having a go at me for not fertilising one of the last remaining chances rotting in my egg scrapheap – I might tweet the former teacher (why are so many of our politicians former teachers?) give him some more gory details in the hope that eventually he and his very male, middle class government (bar the few token yes women he threw in for PR) will stop avoiding the fact the Eighth Amendment needs to be repealed. That was a really long sentence with a lot of punctuation: reddit again. and slowly. And before you jump on your high horse about abortion: read the facts.

But all politics aside, periods really stink. It’s quite possible that someone might mistake me for a giant wobbly bit of pizza at the moment and if they did, I’d punch them in face, then cry about how my hormones made me do it.

I had a session at the Rape Crisis Centre this morning and it was the hardest one I’ve had so far. She (the therapist lady) keeps holding me back and, while I found that useful till now, today I felt like I was going to explode with the build up of toxicity that I needed to spew but she wouldn’t let me. It doesn’t help that I am always late for appointments which I realise is a total delay tactic: the later I am the less time I have to spend there but at least I made the effort to go so I don’t have to feel too guilty. But today, well I could come up with any number of metaphors to describe how I felt compelled to lance the boil and I didn’t have the time.

I still feel suspended, on the cusp of who knows what. At the same time, feelings of self loathing and failure are drowning any positive efforts I make. The world around me is like a film set and I’m a flimsy cardboard cut out about to get swept away by the prop team.More metaphors. I long to be solid again (well, maybe not eleven stone of solid – heifer) like I was a couple of weeks ago.

I’ve been posting lots of articles on the Facebook page: I hope you find them useful and/or interesting. I’m really not cool enough to be in the Twitter club: some people seem to have it mastered and are tweeting celebrities. Theres’s something about Twitter that I find both irritating and intimidating. Although it seems all the really cool people are Instagramming the shit out of their lives and Snapchatting even more shite.

I’m now trying to avoid going to sleep because after the RCC, and watching Ben Whishaw’s new BBC thriller London Spy (possibly the most tense I’ve been watching something since Argo), I have no idea what kind of bizarre junk my sleeping subconscious will dig up and knock around to unnerve me.

I’m going to try and get up early and go to the gym and be positive and try to deal with shit head on and eat well and not get a migraine and make a nice dinner and be sociable but even thinking about the trying of all that is making me tired. When I got back home today from the RCC, I was going to allow myself a nap but I powered on through with my lessons plans. I was supposed to visit my buddy Posh (who I guilty haven’t seen in weeks), but cramps and emotional exhaustion got the better of me and Scandi and I ended up dozing on the sofa during a documentary about Celts, which wasn’t the documentary’s fault.

I have so much I need to expunge (no clue if that’s the right word but if it isn’t Ive just invented a new meaning for it) but I’m too tired and scared of it all right now.

I’m definitely on the outside of myself looking in and waiting for something to happen, or to click in or out place, and I hope it happens soon because this sequestration from energy and the life in which I find myself really sucks.

Dotty 💚

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