Episode 128 • I’m Sorry, I Can’t, Don’t Hate Me —

I’m still pissed off about my ex, and his new girlfriend, contacting me over the last two weeks. 

If you are new to the mess that is my relationship history, as charted by this blog, then I’m sorry. You’re going to be lost and I don’t have the energy to fill in the gaps for you, not least because it’s after 3am. 

I’m trying really hard to get back to a safe emotional level but this whole debacle involving the ex from the break up that triggered a full-blown psychiatric meltdown; his current (seemingly condescending- but I admit I know nothing about her apart from the bossy and self-righteous messages she’s sent me. She’s probably lovely and thinks I’m a psychotic bitch from what he’s told her. Maybe he’s right?) and €880 has rendered me withdrawn; drained and riled. 

All of the shit that happened between Berger (as he was christened by my truthful friend) and me had faded to a dull twinge after 14 months of breaking it down into a pulp to discover why it all had such an effect on me. I was addicted to him and the pain our relationship caused. The relationship itself wasn’t the cause of my depression and anxiety: it was a symptom of it. Just like cutting myself, I’d get a temporary high every time he hurt me. I wanted him to hurt me and if he didn’t do it if his own free and selfish will, I’d goad him into it. Then I’d have an excuse to lash out and lashing out being one of my specialities (along with cheating, withdrawing and looking for a fight) , I did it well and I did often. 

I’ve started clenching my teeth again. My jaw aches.

I felt as though I’d moved on from the erosion of the years of cyclical euphoria to devastation in which Berger and I found ourselves caught. I had jumped out of the spinning wheel and got back to my feet. Now the toxins are back in my veins and I need to bleed them out all over again. 

Sorry about all the metaphors.

He didn’t reply to my final message from Wednesday, thankfully, and she didn’t receive a reply from me. I  was relieved not to have had communication today. I needed to be quiet today, to reset. I plan to block them both. I should have already, but I was holding out for something. I don’t know what: I know I won’t ever see an apology for their bombardment of me this week as a means of exorcising  their demons damaging their own relationship. Maybe I wanted more accusations, demands and blame thrown at me because it proves me right for believing that I’m the source of all contamination. 

I have to figure out where €880 is going to come from now; or at least €120 per month. I want to pay him off to make a point, I’m just not sure what the point is. 

Tomorrow I will be re-focused. Berger and his new bun will be binned. 

Dot 💚

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